I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize