Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
