I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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