when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
