I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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