On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
