If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
