fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
