Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
