my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i will never coherently bang her
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
