There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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