I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
