I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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