someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
