just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
