the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
