I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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