Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
