We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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