would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
