My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize