Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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