Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize