i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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