Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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