So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
