I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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