so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
