i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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