I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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