i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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