Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
where am i from again
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
why do cheetos always look like penises
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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