He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize