oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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