my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
