My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
