Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
time to smoke my breakfast
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I have fence marks all over my body
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
