Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
