I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
