Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
