I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
