The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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