Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
