Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
