I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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