u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
our cab driver is having phone sex.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
