Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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