You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
