Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
