You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
