Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
