Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize