cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
