Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
