Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
