They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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