"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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