dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Floor bacon is actually really good
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
