I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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