It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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