Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
