She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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