you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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